


we used to be friends

by moth_them



Series: they used to be friends [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Childhood Friends, High School Aged, M/M, Memory, Not Quite Childhood ig, Sort Of, The original character is benrey's mom, They/Themrey, and stuff, but can be seen as childhood crushes, not exactly romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26527483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moth_them/pseuds/moth_them
Summary: benrey and gordon used to be friends.
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: they used to be friends [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1981846
Comments: 15
Kudos: 105





	1. Chapter 1

Benrey was sitting on a river bed, jeans rolled up past their knees, feet in the water. They kicked their feet idly, watching the small fish zip by, pond skaters skating to whatever they urgently needed to do. The sun sort of burned, but it usually did in July so they weren't that bothered. Mosquitos buzzed in their ears but never actually bit them. No blood to drink, anyways. They were waiting for something that they couldn't quite remember. They leaned back onto the mud and grass, looking up at the clouds. Their mom would scold them for the mud in their hair and on their clothes. They couldn't find the energy to care, though. They just watched the clouds and birds.  
"Benrey?"  
That's right. Now they remembered. They were waiting for Gordon.  
"over here!" Benrey yelled, sitting up to find him, scanning the trees. He stepped through the underbrush, shaking off leaves and rubbing his arms.  
"Why do we have to meet all the way out here?" He whined. He was carrying a backpack and a lunch box, like he was going to school or some shit. But they were having a weird mini picnic and then going to their house.  
"'cause, uhhh." Benrey smacked their lips. "adventure!" Gordon rolled his eyes and sat next to them, a bit farther back so he didn't have to sit in the mud. "what'd you bring?"  
Gordon opened the lunchbox. There were two sandwiches, a massive fucking water bottle, and those dorky little fruit cups.  
"who packed this, your mom?" They teased, elbowing Gordon. Gordon rolled his eyes.  
"Shut up, you're literally the worst." Gordon took his sandwich, struggling with the wrapping. "I think she wrapped the sandwiches, actually. I wanted to put them in normal plastic bags."  
"like little Christmas gifts." Benrey said absently, tearing through the plastic wrap with a claw.  
"That's a pretty shitty Christmas gift, especially since you can see it." Gordon pointed out. Benrey tilted their head thoughtfully, eyes drifting off to the birds above.  
"that's true. i would hate it if i got a sandwich for Christmas. especially a turkey one."  
"Ye- Hey!" Gordon smacked Benrey's arm. They laughed, curling away from him, trying not to lose their grip on the sandwich with probably way too much mayo. "You're such an asshole!" But there was no venom or malice in Gordon's words, just a huge grin and a breathy laugh.  
"thx." They drifted off, looking around for a soft splash they had heard when they suddenly stood. "Gordon, holy shit, look!" They whispered, reaching back, trying to find Gordon. He took their hand and stood, getting pulled into the water.  
"C'mon man, my socks-"  
"shut up, Loudman, look at how crazy that is!" Gordon finally looked to where Benrey was pointing and holy shit. A whole herd of deer were jumping across the river and into the other side of the forest. Just a massive wave. This is totally unnatural, but Gordon and Benrey were in a trance watching. A fawn stopped running to stop and stare at the teenagers, studying them nearly as hard as they studied the herd. But a doe ran up behind the fawn, urging it along. Benrey found himself waving without really thinking.  
"Holy shit." Gordon whispered. He glanced at Benrey and couldn't help but love the awestruck look on their face. Their eyes were shining and their lips were parted just slightly, sharp teeth poking past. "That was- _freaky_." That snapped Benrey out of their wonderment and they snorted, shaking their head.  
"you're so fucking dumb. 'freaky'. what are you, in the 80's? cringe. Gordon Cringeman." Gordon rolled his eyes.  
"Come on! That was freaky! There were so many deer, and they were all moving in unison! If we had been sitting any farther down the river, we would've been trampled." Gordon sort of started ranting and Benrey couldn't help but smile as they dropped back on the river bed.  
"no we wouldn't." Benrey declared, finishing their sandwich. "i would've heard 'em. saved your sorry ass."  
Gordon laughed. "Sure, Ben." He said in a fake reassuring voice, patting Benrey on the shoulder. "I so believe you." Benrey rolled their eyes, leaning away.  
"i would! then you'd be all like-" Benrey tried their best Gordon impression, "-whoa, Ben, you're so fuckin' cool! that was so crazy, you're like my hero- or some cringe shit like that. blackmail material shit, y'know?"  
There was silence for a moment. Gordon was still standing in the water despite his complaint about wet socks. "I already think you're cool, Ben." Benrey sputtered, the water they were drinking spraying from the corner of their mouth, pink zipping after it. "Aw, man, you got sweet voice on the lid! It's gonna taste weird now!" Gordon leaned over, snatching the water bottle from Benrey's hand, using the hem of his shirt to wipe the pink off. "I take it back, you're the bane of my existence."  
"nuh-uh, no- no take backs!" Benrey protested, taking out their fruit cup.  
"I can take back my own compliments!" Gordon argued, drinking the water when he thought it properly cleaned. "You'd be able to keep them if you didn't make shit weird!"  
"sweet voice isn't weird!"  
"The taste is!"  
"not this one!"  
"Oh yeah?" Gordon shot a challenging glance at Benrey. "Let me try it then." Benrey blushed, covering their mouth before the pink could shoot out. They shook their head. "Why not?" Benrey only spoke when they couldn't taste the pink anymore.  
"you know! you've had the others!"  
"Yeah, but only the shitty negative ones! I'm assuming the pink is a good thing based on the circumstance, so let me try it!"  
"absolutely not." Benrey shook their head, crossing their arms. They could practically hear the whirring of gears in Gordon's head.  
"Fine." He plopped down on the ground beside Benrey, pulling off his shoes and socks. He ate his fruit cup quietly for a while, and the two just sat there, watching the river. "You look great today, Ben. I like the new hat, it frames your face really well." Benrey shot out pink before they could stop it and they swore.  
"Gordon, you ass!" Benrey tried to reach up and swat it away but Gordon shot out a hand, popping the pink on his hand and licking it. "you're literally insufferable. the bane of my short existence. the sun in my eyes."  
Gordon ignored them, tilting his head. "This one actually tastes fine. Your sandwich ruins it a bit, though. What is it, strawberry?"  
"bubblegum." Benrey mumbled, stabbing a mandarin with their claw. They waited for the usual thing to happen. When they looked at Gordon, he was looking back. His face was all red and he wouldn't stop staring at Benrey. They looked away quickly, trying to get out clear sweet voice but it just came out in pink.  
"What are you doing?" Gordon laughed, nudging Benrey. It startled them and they jumped, leaning away. "Why are you being so weird?"  
"the- the sweet voice effect thing, it's uh-"  
"What does pink mean?"  
"e- embarrassment, uh, l... love- or something." They mumbled the last bit, Gordon almost missed it. He just hummed thoughtfully.  
"Oh. So it's like, mm, a love potion, sort of?" He offered. That just flustered Benrey more and they covered their face.  
"yeah, sure, whatever. I'm ready to go home now." Gordon laughed a bit.  
"Alright, then, let's go home then."

Benrey had predicted correctly. Their mother fussed over them, picking at the dried mud in their hair. "Gordon, why didn't you keep them out of the dirt?" Their mother accused jokingly, smiling. Gordon flushed and laughed.  
"Sorry, ma'am." She just chuckled, shaking her head. An ocean blue buzzed in the air. Blue like a wave means I'm glad you're safe.  
"It's alright, Gordon. Are you staying the night?" He nodded, lifting his bag. "Alright, I have a long shift tomorrow so your parents will have to pick you up, alright?"  
"That's okay, I can just walk." Benrey rolled their eyes and grabbed Gordon's arm.  
"c'mon, video game time."

They had stopped playing hours ago. They were laying on the rug, looking up at the glow in the dark stars on Benrey's ceiling. Music drifted from Benrey's radio and they just laid there.  
"Hey, wanna see something cool?" Gordon whispered, sitting up. Benrey sat up too, looking over at him. Gordon dug in his hoodie pocket and pulled out a little frog. Benrey gasped, scooting closer.  
"whaaa, how'd you get it here without it making any noise?" They demanded, reaching out to pet it gently. Well, as gently as the monster could.  
"I dunno, she's just polite, I guess." Gordon shrugged. Orange and yellow spilled out of Benrey's mouth, filling the room with a soft sunset-like glow. Gordon watched Benrey take the frog into their palms, lifting it up to their face, whispering at her.  
"i'm keeping her." They declared, settling the frog on their shoulder. She just perched there, blinking at the lights.  
"I don't think you should, Ben."  
"you're the one who caught her!"  
"Well, yeah, cause it makes you happy, stupid." Gordon retorted. "But I don't think it's ethical to keep her." Benrey frowned, looking at the frog.  
"i think you're dumb. she'll love it here. i have tons of lizards, i know how to take care of them."  
Gordon laughed quietly. "C'mon, Benrey, catching them is fun, but you shouldn't keep her. She's used to being wild." Benrey frowned, taking her from their shoulder and petting her head.  
"i guess.." Gordon stood, opening Benrey's window. They stood and set the frog on the roof just outside their window and waved. "bye, Link."  
"Link's the boy, Benrey."  
"i know!" Benrey argued, crossing their arms. "it's a neat name, asshole." Gordon shrugged and smiled.  
"Sure, I guess. But you're implying that Zelda isn't neat or cool. Zelda's- what do you say? Zelda's an epic name."  
Benrey let out a startled laugh and buried their head in their elbow. "you're so dumb! but _yes_ , Zelda is an EPIC name." Benrey sat up, leaning out the window. "but she likes Link, so her name is Link."  
Gordon shook his head. "How do you know? Maybe she hates it."  
"she blinked when i named her that."  
"She _blinked_?"  
"uh, yeah, Stupidman, that's what i said."  
"You're acting like she's a cat."  
"she's kinda like a cat." Benrey chewed their lip for a moment. "speaking of cats!" They clambered out of their window, leaning over the edge, whisper-yelling. "Sonic! pspspspsps, c'mere Sonic!" A quiet mew rose from somewhere below and Benrey reached down, glowing just a little bit as they did. Gordon looked away. He hated the weird eldritch thing Benrey could do. It creeped him out a little bit. Not enough to be afraid of him, he just didn't like the look and the noises. Benrey climbed back through the window with a blue-gray cat in their arms, much to big for a normal cat.  
"this is Sonic."  
"I know who Sonic is, Benrey, I've been coming here for a few years." Benrey shrugged.  
"it never hurts to reintroduce yourself." They picked up one of Sonic's paws, waving. Gordon snorted, reaching out to scratch behind his ears.  
"Hey, Sonic."

Benrey thinks about that memory as they sit in their void. What they would give to be going home to their apartment, to Sonic and their games. That was kind of rude of Gordon, to kill them. They used to be friends. Really good friends. They wonder if Gordon remembered any of it. Remembered Link, or the deer, or tasting the pink sweet voice, or talking to Benrey's mom, or staring at Benrey's glow in the dark stars, or listening to shitty, tinny music coming from Benrey's radio. Remembered Benrey at all. They closed their eyes, trying to shut out the thoughts of Gordon, trying to just focus on their mother, Sonic, their lizards, their games, but no matter how hard they thought about all the other things they cared about, they could only think of Gordon, butting in, with a huge, gap-toothed grin, with almost always broken glasses. With his stupid laugh and his constant experiments.  
Gordon Gordon Gordon.  
They tried to focus on nothing after that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gordon and benrey used to be friends?

Gordon used to have really bad dreams about Benrey. The Boss Fight, the arm thing, all that shit. For the first few months of being back, those nightmares wouldn't go away. He doesn't really know what happened, but they stopped, and a softer, fuzzier dream started. It was from when Gordon was a kid, and all he could clearly see was a forest, a deer, a cat, a frog, and a tall, lanky woman with messy black hair. And a kid. A kid a couple inches taller than Gordon, who had no thoughts about safety, and had a scratchy, low voice, and wore a hat with yellow puffballs. Gordon could never quite see his face right, but the air felt so comforting in those dreams. Safe. Happy.  
"I just don't understand it." He was sitting across from Tommy at a shitty coffee shop a few minutes from Gordon's apartment. He had a too hot coffee in his palms, a little heart design on top. "Why- why do I keep getting stuck with repetitive dreams? First the boss fight, and now this bullshit."  
"M-maybe..." Tommy bit his nail, brows furrowing in thought. "Didn't they say you used to be friends?..."  
Gordon stopped moving completely at that, his fingers tensing over his mug. "They were just fucking with me. Weren't they?"  
"I, I don't think they were, Mr. Freeman. I believe they were being serious."  
Gordon furrowed his brow now, tapping his fingers on his mug, making a quiet clinking noise. Tommy cringed slightly, reaching over and tapping his fingers on Gordon's. Oh. Right. He flattened his hands around the ceramic mug.  
"M, maybe if you allow yourself to remember you two as being friends, maybe you'll s, see the memory better."  
Gordon nodded a bit, testing a sip of his coffee. It stung his lips but it was fine. He drank it anyways.

Gordon sat up quickly, finding himself reaching out into the darkness of his room. He blinked a bit, looking down at his hands. He had tried what Tommy had said and... Needless to say, it worked. He didn't know why he was so surprised, Tommy is so fucking smart. But still.  
He could actually see Benrey last night. The permanent black shadow across their eyes, the shark toothed grin, the claws, the blue-gray skin. He remembered Benrey's mother, he remembered their cat Sonic, he remembered Link the frog, he remembered demanding that Benrey let him try the sweet voice, he remembered the shitty music on the radio, he remembered the glow in the dark stars. It's ridiculous how easily the memory came to him when he let himself think of them as friends.  
Gordon couldn't get, of all things, Sonic out of his head. The too big cat that Benrey had had all their life. Who never seemed to get older. Gordon was eating breakfast when he remembered something Benrey said while in Black Mesa.  
_"Hurry up, Feetman, I wanna get home and cuddle with Sonic."_  
There's no fucking way that cat is still alive.  
He called Tommy.

As he drove up to the address Tommy told him, he saw a vaguely familiar car in the driveway, and a woman with jet black hair and a beanie leaning on the car. When she turned to his car, she had that dark shadow across her eyes and that blue-gray skin. She was older than he saw her last, with wrinkles creasing her face. She stared hard at Gordon as he parked along the sidewalk. Gordon stepped out of his car and couldn't help but stare right back. There was a long moment of the two just staring the other down, but her look softened and she smiled.  
"Gordon Freeman?" She laughed quietly, that ocean blue from his dream bubbling into the sky, floating up up and away. Gordon found himself smiling too.  
"Hey." Gordon felt a pang of shame. What was her name?  
"You probably don't remember me. I'm Benrey's mom, Annabeth." Gordon smiled, walking over and shaking her hand, but she tugged him into a hug. She towered over him.  
"I just-"  
"I've been coming here everyday since they disappeared, you know." Annabeth whispered, leaning away and turning back to the house. "I've been thinking _maybe_ they'd come back," she turned to Gordon with a sad smile, "but they aren't coming back, are they?" Gordon felt his throat tighten and he shook his head jerkily.  
"No- no ma'am. There was an... accident." He fought out. Annabeth sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. Her shoulders shook a bit and she bowed her head.  
"Man, actually- actually hearing it _hurts_." She choked out, covering her eyes and a broken sob erupted from her. Gordon cringed a bit, turning away. She sounded a lot like Benrey now. "I knew I never should have let them work at that shit hole. They, uh, they insisted though." Gordon placed a hand on her back, patting gently. She let out a quiet hiccup and sat up straight, wiping her eyes.  
"Sonic is still in there." She said with a wet laugh. "I've been trying to get him, but I can't open the door."  
"What do you mean? Is it locked?"  
"A locked door never stopped us, Gordon." She smiled fondly. Us. Her and Benrey. "No, they warded it. I don't know what against, but we aren't able to get past any ward that isn't our own. But... You're mortal, Gordon. Maybe you..."  
Gordon nodded a bit and started up the sidewalk, the click of Annabeth's nice shoes behind him. He took a quiet breath and reached out, grabbing the handle. The door sprung open, nearly slamming into the wall. Gordon jumped back and Annabeth chuckled.  
"Benrey, you dumb fuck." She whispered, walking past Gordon and into the house. All the lights were out, and dust hung in the air, making Gordon cough. "Sonic, pspspsps, c'mere Sonic!" A quiet meow came from somewhere deep in the house and then the quiet pit-pat of paws as that too big cat came barreling over, right up to Gordon and Annabeth, weaving through their ankles. Annabeth smiled down at him, leaning down and scratching behind his ears.  
Gordon knelt down and Sonic hopped into his lap, purring, rubbing up against Gordon's chest.  
_"It never hurts to introduce yourself."_  
"Hey, Sonic." He whispered, scratching his back. "I'm Gordon." Sonic purred, settling in Gordon's arms. Gordon chuckled a bit, standing slowly with Sonic in his arms.  
"He still likes you." Annabeth smiled, petting Sonic's head.  
"I definitely remember him scratching me when I was younger."  
"That's how he shows love, leave him alone." Annabeth joked quietly. Gordon just smiled, holding Sonic close to his chest. Annabeth and Gordon stepped into the house, looking around. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna see if there's anything that they might need if they come back." She was still holding out.  
Gordon could see why. Benrey had never died before. Not permanently.  
"Could you check their room?" Annabeth asked quietly, picking at her sleeves.  
"Course." The two split up and Gordon pushed open the door to Benrey's room. It was surprisingly neat, and there was a wall full of video games and video game memorabilia. Their hat from when Gordon's dream was hung up beside the display, with a PlayStation patch sewn into the side. Gordon wandered over to their bed and looked at the pictures hung up. There were pictures of Benrey as a kid, with lizards and Sonic and at parks. One near the bottom, half hidden by the bed frame, was of Gordon and Benrey. Benrey was on Gordon's shoulders, reaching up to a tree with shining red apples in it. Gordon smiled a bit. He could remember that one, without needing to sleep and dream of it. It was Benrey's birthday and they wanted to go to an apple farm as a joke, but they actually ended up loving it. Neither of them were tall enough to reach the apples, and they didn't want to ask for a ladder, so they stacked. Like any logical person would do. What the picture didn't show, was right after Benrey grabbed the apple, it had fallen, and on instinct Benrey had pitched forward, throwing off Gordon's balance and throwing the two to the ground. The fall had broken Gordon's glasses again, and Benrey scraped up their face pretty bad. They could hear Gordon's parents and Annabeth shrieking of laughter a few feet away, making no move to help up the two. Gordon and Benrey started laughing in the dirt, tangled up and dirty, but the apple was still in Benrey's hands.  
Gordon hadn't realized he was crying until he felt Sonic's rough tongue on his face. Gordon smiled gently, scratching behind his ears.  
Gordon grabbed Benrey's hat and their phone and got out of the room as soon as possible.

Annabeth was holding a bag of a few things, and a PlayStation box, the console probably inside.  
"It was really good to see you again, Gordon." Annabeth tucked the box under her arm and patted his shoulder. Gordon pulled Benrey's phone from his pocket and held it out to her. She stared at it for a moment before shaking her head.  
"No, no, I don't need that. I... You should keep that. They're more likely to go to you first than me, and I want them to have their phone when they come back." When. Not if. Annabeth's hope was infectious, and Gordon tucked their phone back into his pocket. "And Sonic. My apartment doesn't allow cats."  
I had nearly forgotten, despite the cat being asleep in his arms.  
"Oh, yeah, okay." Joshua had been asking for a cat.  
"Goodbye, Gordon. I'll see you sometime." She faltered a bit, pausing at the door, staring hard at the doorframe. "Gordon, please... Call me, when they come back. Let me know."  
"Alright, Annabeth."

Gordon was sitting on his bed, Sonic curled up a couple inches away from him, sleeping. He rubbed the fabric of Benrey's hat between his fingers, and he shut his eyes, choking up again.  
"Mr. Freeman?" He looked up. Tommy was in the doorway, frowning. "W, we were meeting up with Dr. Coomer and Bubby today, and you didn't answer my call. Are you alright?" He caught a glance of Sonic on Gordon's bed and he smiled a bit.  
"I went to Benrey's place today." He mumbled, leaning back into his bedframe, staring at the ceiling. Trying not to cry. "Sonic was there. There were pictures of us as kids, shit I'd forgotten. Just shit that made me remember _them_ and it sucks ass. I want to remember them as a villain, as an asshole, the bad guy but... When I close my eyes, all I can see is him as a kid and a teenager, the kid that took me on adventures and was nice to me, and stood up for me. I hate it." Tommy walked over and sat on the foot of Gordon's bed, reaching over to pet Sonic.  
"Well, Mr. Freeman.." Tommy furrowed his brow, staring hard at Gordon's bedspread. "I don't know how to help you. But sometimes letting go is good. The version you let go of is up to you." Gordon thought about it, stopping his idle rubbing of the hat. Tommy got up, checking his watch. "I'll be in my car if you're still coming."  
Tommy walked over to the door to leave, holding the doorknob, hesitating.  
"And Mr. Freeman?"  
Gordon looked over, blinking.  
"I'm really sorry for your loss."  
And he was gone. Gordon looked over to Sonic, who was still asleep. Huh. He hadn't really though of it as a loss.  
But shouldn't he?  
He had become friends again with Benrey, while they were in there. No matter how much Benrey pissed Gordon off. Gordon closed his eyes, and thought of Benrey dying as a loss. It hurt. But it made it easier, looking back. Not having to think of them as a completely evil person. It sort of felt like a weight being lifted, kind of? Like thinking of Benrey as the villain was hurting him more than thinking of him as just a person in Black Mesa. What had Benrey said?  
_"Bro if you shoot, I have to shoot back!"_  
Gordon hadn't been listening.  
He grit his teeth, opening his eyes again. "I'm sorry, Benrey." Gordon whispered into the emptiness of his room. "I'm sorry."  
It was dumb, but he could almost hear their dumb monotone voice responding. Probably something snarky, or just brushing Gordon off completely. Gordon shook his head and stood up, setting Benrey's hat on his dresser. He could think about it later, but right now he has plans.

Gordon wouldn't notice when he eventually stumbles into his room, drunk, collapsing into bed with Sonic without really thinking, nearly passing out immediately, but Benrey's hat wasn't where he left it. It had disappeared from his dresser, and in it's place was a flipped open badge, with the never ending name and glitchy picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added a second chapter after encouragement from my buddy so here u go man 💃

**Author's Note:**

> decided to try out they/them for benrey and third person. it's epic. love it.
> 
> lmk if i fucked up anywhere with pronouns!! they're my own pronouns so you'd think i'd be used to using them, but i'm kinda dumb sometimes


End file.
